South Guard Fanfic

[Tullius22]

Awhile back I started writing a story based on the "South Guard" campaign; it didn't get that far because I'm still figuring out how the game works (and, obviously, I have other things to do as well) but I finished the part that covered the campaign's introduction--about how Deoran got sent south. (More or less, it was very incompletely and unevenly revised.) Anyway, eventually I lost interest in the thing; I felt it was too bland and sterotypical, so I decided to give up on it so I could spend more time reading books and less time pretending I know how to write them. I got rid of the manuscript and moved on.

But, as you have no doubt guessed, I wouldn't be telling you this little story if there weren't a catch. Today I was in my room--my unspeakably, disgustingly filthy room-- looking for a few slices of blank paper, and I found two sheets with chicken scratch on them. It was a fragment of the old story-- it was the last bit I'd got done revising before giving up on the whole thing, so I forgot to put it with the rest of the story, thus explaining its accidental survival. I read it, and it actually read pretty well. I thought it could stand alone as a little short story, without burdening myself with the task of trying to tell The Epic Tale Of How Commander Deoran Saved The World From The Ultimate Evil, and in the process stretching my feeble creative abilities until they snapped. So I decided to create an account on the forum and put it up, to see if anyone else shared a taste for my amateur fiction, thus explaining why I wrote this and why you're wasting your time reading it.

So, without further blah blah, here is the tale that I have bestowed with the dramatic title: *Untitled Fragment*!

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But, of course, if action was not taken soon, the court would start to whisper no matter how determinedly the Guard Captain and his spies oppressed the whisperers. So the King decided to do what kings do best: delegate.

The King issued a summons: the court assembled, the guards stood at attention, trumpets blared and all the rest of the normal spectacle and fanfare was meticulously observed. The door opened, and into the chamber stepped a certain unknown officer of horse. He was in dress uniform, of course, but even this looked remarkably plain compared even to the costume of the Royal Guards standing by the door. The young officer's attempts to looks military and severe failed; he looked like a man who had stepped into a dream.

The unknown officer clumsily and ineptly paid homage to this monarch of his upon whom he had never before laid his eyes. The majestic sovereign effortlessly ignored these breaches of conduct and in gilded language introduced his guest to the court, and made his humble lineage sound grand. He was Deoran son of Haldiel, and his father had been a loyal soldier and most faithful servant of the realm. He had served with distinction under the legendary Konrad I, who had banished the savage orcs from the lands of men. Now the King had a small service the son of Haldiel could perform for him, which he was confident the young Deoran would perform admirably, and in so doing honour both his king and country, and his own noble forebearers. He was to ride to the southern land of Kerlath, and there to find the esteemed Sir Loris, Captain of the South Guard. Loris, forgetful old hero that he was, had neglected to send in his latest reports, and as the King wanted above all things to hear of the enviable exploits of this well-known knight, he would be eternally grateful if young Deoran would retrieve them, and deliver them into his sovreign's hands.

*********

One last note: I haven't played "Heir to the Throne" and I'm assuming this Haldiel chap wasn't The Most Epic Hero The Land Has Ever Known. I'm assuming his name was just picked out of a hat so we could pretend Mr. Deoran had a backstory. If that assumption has more to do with my own lack of adequate research than it does with reality, it would really mess up the story, at least as far as canon/accuracy is concerned.

Anyway, there it is; please be nice/don't throw things.

[styles1005]

Honestly? It's pretty good. The articulation could use work, but I like the writing. And don't worry about rambling; you're an amateur there. When I want to ramble, you'll never hear the end of it. Just don't start going off on tangents. That's my department.

Anyway, here are some mistakes: First, the last sentence of the first paragraph, "So the King decided to what kings to best: delegate." It should be, "So the King decided to do what kings do best: delegate." And that's just spelling; something else seems wrong about it, but I'm no english teacher so I can't put my finger on it. Also, first sentence of the same, there is an unnecessary comma. It should be "But of course," . . . I think. I mostly go by gut instinct on this stuff, but it usually works. Lastly, the last sentence of the second paragraph is a run-on sentence, and "sovereign" is misspelled. Perhaps restructure it as "Loris, forgetful old man* that he was, had neglected to send in his reports. Thus the King requested Deoran to retrieve the errant reports and deliver them into his sovereign's hands, for which the King promised his gratitude**. [/nitpicking]

* Because if you've played the campaign you know that he's no hero - or enviable, which is why the next part is gone.

** 'Cause I doubt he'd have the King's "eternal gratitude" for bringing back a report from someone who should have sent them in already.

Aside from that, sounds good.

[Icarusvogel]

I would also like that sentence to be worded differently, somehow it doesn't sound right. Otherwise, very nice!

[Tullius22]

First off, sorry for that terrible typo-mauled sentence. I'm almost surprised you didn't just give up in disgust after reading "decided to what kings to best". No excuse for that.

I think the rest of it is OK, though, grammatically at least. I'm pretty sure the comma in the first sentence can stay, although I confess I don't know enough about grammar to prove it. (I do know some grammar-- I can correct people about tedious little points related to verb tenses-- but I don't know everything.)

Also, the last sentence of the second paragraph is not a run-on because I used a semi-colon. Semi-colons are kinda fun, or at least, about as fun as punctuation marks get. You see, a semi-colon lets you join two "independent clauses"-- things that could be a sentence on their own-- into one double-barrelled sentence. The phrases "the young officer's attempts to look military and severe failed" and "he looked like a man who had walked into a dream" are both capable of standing alone as sentences because they both have a subject and a predicate. If I joined them with only a comma, that would be a run-on. However, if I separated them with a period, it would sound choppy. Using a semi-colon shows that the two phrases are both capable of being independent of each other grammatically, but linked to each other semantically.

And I'm pretty sure the spelling of "sovereign" is correct: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sovereign
Although I suppose after the double-typo everything after that must have looked suspect...

*****

As for Loris being a "forgetful old hero" that was intentional, though perhaps not as effective as I intended. The King is trying to (somewhat humorously) downplay Loris' failure to keep in touch. If he could have simply denounced Loris for dropping out of contact for no reason, but that would have made it clear that he needed to be replaced. And that's not what the King wants to do here.

The King decided to send one officer to investigate why Loris stopped sending in his reports. He did not give him command of the South Guard or any other military formation, he did not even give him an escort. In other words, the King acted as though Kerlath was still basically safe, and there was just some sort of administrative stuff that needed to get smoothed over.

I know Deoran has to take command as soon as the events of "Born to the Banner" begin, but that's because the situation had been allowed to drift out of control. He steps into a power vacuum, takes command because no one else wants to, and cobbles together whatever he can to hold the line against the marauding bandits.

I wrote a lot in the first draft about why the situation was allowed to drift out of control to the point where it fell to Deoran-- some nobody-- to step in and fix it. First I wrote some sterotypical "they ignored the growing threat to their peril" doom and gloom blah-blah. Eventually I started writing about Loris, about why he had screwed up so badly, why he had been put there in the first place, and why he had been allowed to stay for so long.

Basically, it goes like this: The King didn't like leaving Loris in command. The trouble was, he didn't like removing him either. "The list of potential replacements was short indeed, and most of the names on it were at least as troublesome as Loris' ". Any large kingdom experiences resource shortages-- sometimes leadership is one of those resources. There's no reason why there should automatically be an endless supply of competent military govenors.

Then, there's politics. Loris is popular. He's a good fighter, with plenty of experience leading men in battle. So he thinks of himself as a hero, and other people do too. If the King takes his post away, all of Loris' friends will constantly, endlessly, petition the King to restore his former rank. The court would be thrown into chaos. So the King decides to stick with the status quo.

The problem is, although Loris is brave enough to inspire his men in battle, he doesn't have the forsight necessary to see emerging threats and nip them in the bud. Loris doesn't understand what's happening, and because of that, he can't control the situation.

So Loris basically disappears. Nobody knows what happened. The King doesn't want them to guess, for "as soon as you start to let people guess about the nature of unknown evils... well, it's hard to put that genie back in its bottle". The King wants people to think happy thoughts-- there's no crisis here, not officially anyway. But he also needs to make it look like he's doing something about the crisis that doesn't officially exist, so he doesn't look weak and inactive. So he decides to get somebody else to do it for him. Enter Deoran.

I know that was terribly wordy-- that's part of the reason I got rid of it in the first place. But I suppose that without it, you lose too much.

So the King described Loris as a "forgetful old hero" is partly as an (indirect) attempt to discredit the idea that there's anything to be worried about. Don't worry, we just have to send someone to go pay a visit to our friend, the *forgetful old hero* Sir Loris. (That's right, keep moving, nothing to see here.) And, partly, it's just the intentionally stilted dialect of the court; perhaps it would work better as a part of a dialogue-- quotation might work better than paraphrase here. But then, it's pretty clear to me that all of this needs to be seriously re-worked before it can even begin to be considered anything near complete.

And as for the King being eternally grateful to Deoran for completing a supposedly routine task, again, that's just the stilted dialect (and obligatory deception) demanded by the high civilization of the court.

I know all of this should have been planned much, much better and I apologise for that. I'd also like to thank both of you for commenting; I'm especially grateful for styles1005's detailed comments.